It should have been downright ugly–veiny, bulbous, it looked a bit misshapen, not to mention outlandishly over-sized. However, this man’s erection was quite possibly the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen. I continued to stare at the incredible penis jutting from Jake’s midsection even as I slowly disrobed in front of him. Obviously my own sexuality influenced him enough to give him a great erection. I sighed inwardly. Apprehensive, yet willing, I knew that Jake fully intended to plunge the full length of his cock deep into my belly and indulge in the most exquisite pleasure a man and woman could desire. As I peeled off my panties, there was no doubt in my mind. I knew I was going to let Jake fuck me. Of course, a couple of months back this hadn’t seemed the wisest course of action, since he was an online acquaintance, basically a total stranger to me; yet, I knew even then that our intimacy was a foregone conclusion. I’d allowed his erect penis to slide right up into my and deposit some healthy teeming sperm deep into my vagina. I understood that fact deep in the recesses of my mind and body. Ironically, a man and woman couldn’t separate the act that gave so much physical pleasure from the act that created a brand new generation of life.
The fact that Jake happened to be black and a mere twenty-three years old while I was white and thirty-eight years of age made matters between us much more complicated as well as more urgent.
I quickly stripped off the rest of my clothes and laid them across a nearby chair. Jake came over to grasp me in his strong hands. As he dropped his face to mine, I lifted my lips toward his.
His first kiss was a tease. So was his second. Then I capitulated a little bit to encourage him during their third and fourth kisses and subsequently we fervently groped and clutched at each other while our lips and tongues tried to communicate some distinctly emotional non-verbals. His mouth pulled away from mine.
“You realize all I can think about now is how my dick will feel sliding up your pussy.”
I gulped a tiny swallow and then nodded. “I’m certain we must have gotten naked for a reason.” I dropped my eyes from his.
He chuckled. “A damn good reason.”
The fact is we had a doctor’s appointment coming up the next morning. An important doctor’s appointment–one that Jake hoped would change his entire life, not to mention mine. From the very beginning Jake had been upfront about his intentions. He wanted to get a white woman pregnant, and somehow I became the one who agreed to serve as his object of efforts. Besides, I already suspected the truth. I’d felt the impact of my body shifting gears internally a month or so back and tomorrow’s visit to the clinic just might confirm my suspicions.
A freckle-faced, blue eyed, dirty blond middle-aged woman had given in to the sensual demands of a young black man and learned to enjoy every second of it. The very first night that I’d accommodated the length and breadth of his mahogany colored penis literally scared me to death. I’d grown up in a strictly white area, gone to a strictly white school, married my white high school sweetheart, a man who divorced me after seven years of marriage once he knocked up his office assistant. Everyone was certain I couldn’t get pregnant. That’s why it was easy to give into Jake’s demand for a mixed race child–in the recesses of my mind I honestly didn’t think it would happen, not really.
But as the days rolled by, my Jake treated each and every night with me as if we were newlyweds. A night didn’t go by when I didn’t accept the intromission of his vital young erection deep into the supple tissues of my vagina. For over two months now we were a part of each other’s evenings, a part of each other’s lives, and a part of each other’s future.
My dark lover enjoyed indulging in the uncharted territory between my legs, and God help me, I loved those moments that his thick cock thrust into the welcome wetness that my body provided. Tomorrow we would see the doctor. Even though I Had been doubtful about whether I could ever conceive, I also hadn’t counted on the potency of the man who truly desired to father a child.
Tonight Jake wanted to celebrate the fact that we needed to see the doctor–that we needed a professional to confirm what a home pregnancy test had already told us. As far as I was concerned, Jake had achieved the impossible.
I’d spent the entire workday distracted. Although I wanted to scream my news out loud to everyone in the building, I told no one about the reason for the visit other than to say I had a doctor’s appointment in the morning. It didn’t help that Jake called me in the afternoon and asked me how I felt. I told him I felt okay. He asked me where I wanted to go for dinner that night–his treat. Then he added if I was ready for the fuck of my life. I told him if things turn out the way I thought they would tomorrow, I suspect I’d already had it.
It didn’t matter what I’d told Jake on the phone, once we’d gotten together for the evening, he fully intended to give me the fuck of my life tonight anyway. “Cricket, you realize there is nothing about you I don’t love.”
I giggled. “Oh. That is so swee…” I gasped in shock as his mouth went right to my pussy. “Oh God!”
His tongue sloshed across my labial lips and sucked on the clitoris for a moment or two. “Ooo…J-Jaaake!” The sucking motion on my clit was hypnotically intense. I could hardly stand what he was doing to my nerve endings; yet, I didn’t want him to stop. His tongue probed the moist entrance to my cunt adding liquid to what moisture I’d produced naturally.
Then he lifted his head away from my loins. “You know what we’re going to find out tomorrow, don’t you?”
“Hmm?” I knew what he was going for, but I thought I’d prolong his game. “What’s that?”
“I’m going to get my wish, that’s what we’re going to learn.” He dropped his lips back down into the slick open slit of my cunt.
I moaned as his tongue dipped in and out of my naked pussy.
We spent several long minutes like that. Jake explored every inch of my vulnerable underbelly with his tongue. “Oooo…” As the emotions built up inside me, I gasped out a question that I knew I wanted to hear his answer. “J-Jake?”
“Mmm?” the vibrations from his lips and vocal chords felt wonderful along my sensitive tissues. “D-does it…m-matter to you if it’s a b-boy or girl?”
He lifted up his head again. “I think I’d like a boy.”
“What if we have a girl?”
“Then we’ll try again.” He crawled up atop my naked body until he’d arranged his lips directly at my mouth, then he dropped his lips down to kiss mine. I could smell the light musky odor of my own loins clinging to his mustache hairs. Then when he plunged his tongue into my mouth I tasted the tart olive like juices that were a mixture of his saliva and my own natural wetness. “I want more than one child anyway.” He kissed me more lightly the second time. “Anyway, I’m excited to see how tomorrow turns out.”
I sighed. “Me too. I didn’t think I could ever have children.”
“So you said. I think in your case, it all depended on who you chose as the father.”
I laughed. “You couldn’t be more right there.”
We lay together on the bed and each of us knew we were ready.
“Fuck me,” I whispered as softly as I could into his ear. “Please.”
“Your wish is…” Jake squirmed to position his erected dick right up into the receptive lips of my vulva. “…My command.” The blunt glans of his penis lodged directly into the opening of my slick cunt. However, Jake continued to thrust all the while pushing his cock deeper into the confines of my loins. “Oh yes, you feel so damn good!”
“Thank you.” Intellectually I knew that this was how we’d accomplished his wish in the first place, how I’d given into to his desires, but I also knew that I’d wanted the intensity of this particular change in my life. “Thank you for loving me.”
“Like I had a choice,” he murmured as his cock found its respite in the confines of my loins. “You know you’re my addiction.”
“I dunno, Jake. After all, you’re the one plunging your syringe into my body and emptying all those dangerous substances into my system.”
He laughed. “Can you handle another deposit of controlled substances again?”
“Maybe–as long as you’re there to see me through the aftermath.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
By now we’d established the delightful rhythm that told each other we were in total agreement concerning the results of our action. Young black man and older white woman, Jake and I clutched at each other as if we might never have the chance to make love ever again. Tomorrow we’d find out for sure, but I already knew. Jake Hancock had succeeded doing what no man before him had done so before. I know I had mixed emotions about my part in his little scheme when we began, but now my confusion had turned toward anticipation.
He’d asked me right up front if I wanted to be his mate when we first corresponded, again on the night we met, even as I’d allowed him access to my body that first night. He’d asked me and I didn’t fight him on that issue. Why should I? I truly thought I couldn’t have children. Seven years of trying had proved that. Now I’d been proven wrong by a twenty-three year old black man. I focused my eyes to concentrate on his facial features as my body endured the unbelievable stretching that his thick bulging erection caused whenever he packed it deep inside me. The strong young man thrusting in and out of me was the father of the baby that I was very sure I happened to be carrying as a part of me now.
This was crazy! This was wonderful.
We moved in synchronized rhythm for minutes on end. Inside my sensitive nerves and tissues that his erected penis rubbed against zinged and lit up with an internal friction. I couldn’t help it, each new thrust brought me nearer and nearer to some physical nirvana that gripped me and wrenched me farther and farther out of control. As I moaned time and again, so did Jake.
I gasped and began to pant harder and harder. I cooed some unintelligible groans right into Jake’s ear followed by another plea. “Jake, show me you love me.”
He clamped his lips down against my own just as I shuddered from our strenuous coupling. Then, with a shiver and a long moan, I came totally naked under his weight.
“Ohh…Cricket. Of course, I love you.”
“You love your babymama, don’t you, Jake honey?” I whispered. “You’ll do anything for your babymama, won’t you, love?”
Jake grunted out of control.
“You love her because you made a baby with her, didn’t you?” Holding him close to me, I rubbed his back.
“Ohh!” Suddenly Jake stiffened and grabbed hold of me. In a matter of seconds, he climaxed. His naked cock sprayed warm spurts of semen deep into my most vulnerable areas.
“That’s it, sweetheart,” I gasped. “Show me how much you love your babymama.”
I could feel his surge of heated wetness pool up inside of my moist sheath. If I wasn’t already certain that I was pregnant, he might have done it again. I lay very still under him as he lost all his strength and collapsed like an athlete that just gave the performance of a lifetime. I sensed the dripping liquid backflow of his semen seeping from the center of my body onto my thighs and sensitive tissues.
Once again I’d allowed my young black man to fill me up inside with his flowing vitality. The whole experience was unbelievable.
***
The clinic was crowded. Muskegon is a diverse city so you saw people of every possible heritage waiting in the clinic. Black, Hispanic, Asian, Caucasian, you name it. I don’t think we attracted all that much attention because Jake was black and I was white; nevertheless, our color difference combined with our obvious age difference made a lot of folks uncomfortable. He found two chairs together in the waiting room.
“Did you tell anyone in your family that we were coming here today?” I asked. I knew Jake had a love/hate relationship with his mother. I mean it was bad enough that she had been a young woman of sixteen when she gave birth to him; thus, she was only a little over a year older than me. The fact that I was invested in Jake’s life this heavily was an injury his mother had a difficult time dealing with.
“If what happens today turns out the way I think it will, I’ll want to tell her immediately.” I sighed. I thought about grabbing a magazine, but he wanted to continue the conversation. “What about you? Did you tell anyone?”
I shook my head. “Not yet.”
“I want to tell the world.”
“Ah yes, there’s a surprise. By the way…” I began to dig through my purse until I found the slip of paper I’d been looking for. We had gone to one of the department store photo centers a couple of weeks back and had some formal portraits taken. “I think we’re about due to pick up our portraits.”
“No kidding? I’ve been looking forward to seeing those. I want something concrete to remind us of our life together.”
“Really? I thought you’d prefer that we do an X rated video.”
He grinned. “Hmm…that’s a thought, too.”
Jake grabbed a magazine from the lobby table and scanned through it. I glanced over at him sitting there preoccupied with whatever he might have been reading. Sometimes I hardly can reconcile the fact that when I graduated from high school, my Jake was still a pre-schooler. In fact, I got divorced from my first husband when he was entering his sophomore year in high school. Now this beautiful young black man had accompanied me to the medical clinic in order to verify that we had conceived a child together. A lot of what happened over the last two to three months hadn’t made a lot of sense, but there it was–I’d stepped over the line and, as a result, I’d gotten pregnant.
They called my name. Jake and I stood up together and walked toward the nurse.
“So what brings you to us today?” She held up my chart.
I took a deep breath before I could spill the beans. “We…that is…I think I might be pregnant.”
The nurse looked at me and then at Jake. “My goodness. Well, let’s get your weight, first.”
If you think I’m declaring that, you’ve got another think coming. Needless to say she put us in an exam room and gave me one of those backless paper gowns to wear.
The exam was a blur. They took my blood and my urine for an hCG serum test (human chorionic gonadotropin), gave me a sample of pre-natal vitamins, and we were out of there. I do remember the doctor stating that I should: “Trust your feelings. If your body feels pregnant, you are probably right. Keep yourself hydrated with water and that will help to keep any feelings of nausea under control.”
The first part of the test was finished before we left. “Positive.” Just like we thought.
When we got back in the car, I said. “Well, I guess all we can do now is to wait for the serum test results.”
“You in a hurry to get to work?” “Are you offering me lunch?”
He sighed and then chuckled. “All right, I guess I am.”
“I think we should wait ’til we hear for certain to celebrate, if that’s okay with you.”
“Would it help to protest?”
“Let’s have lunch.” Then I added, “Thanks for coming along to the doctor.”
“I wouldn’t have missed this experience for anything.”
“Looks like our suspicions were correct.” I looked back at him. “You’re gonna be a father!”
He whistled softly. “Whew…this is gonna change everything.”
“So it is.”
We decided to have lunch at a small little place on a strip mall. After we parked the car and began to stroll toward the restaurant, Jake pointed to a tanning salon. “You ever use one of those?” “A tanning salon? What’s the matter, you think I look too white?”
He put his arm around my shoulder. “Are you kidding? You’re my ivory cameo.” We continued to walk. “No, I meant to ask have you ever had the inclination to get a deep tan.”
“I’m afraid I burn too easily.”
“Well, I think you should know that…” He patted my stomach. “…This one isn’t going to need to tan at all.”
You know, I knew all that intellectually, but the bluntness of his words made me shiver.” What on Earth have I done?” I looked back at my Jake with brand new eyes. I had allowed this rugged, alien, dark skinned man total access to my body…complete, open access until he fulfilled his stated wish to procreate, to produce a mixed race child with a white woman. Not just any white woman, mind you; he’d done so with me.
Now my doctor pretty much confirmed our suspicions.
We sat at our table and ate. I stayed quietly aware of Jake’s presence, assessing his full potential as father to my child, while he talked non-stop about how he wanted to raise his son. I didn’t bother to point out that he may have to raise a daughter. After all, that didn’t seem to enter into his dream.
“Well, you ready to go back to work?” he finally asked.
I shook my head. “No, I don’t want to go back to work. I want to wait for the doctor’s office to call, after all.”
“Were you just planning to sit here at home today?”
Once again I shook my head. “No. I desperately need to pass the time with someone I love.”
“Really?”
I stared right into his eyes. “Would you take me home and fuck me?”
“Well since you’ve asked me so politely, I’d be honored.”
I nodded. “Me too.”
When we got home, I pulled the ingredients for my green juice out from the refrigerator once again. Of course, Jake walked up behind and rested his hands on my shoulders. “I thought you drank some of this morning?”
“I did. But I want some more before we make love.” I emptied the water into the juicer. “You don’t mind that I feel wetter where it counts do you?”
He laughed. “I don’t mind.”
“Didn’t think so…”
***
“Cricket,” Jake murmured as he sat down on the side of the bed and began to remove his pants. “Do you know how many days we’ve been together?”
“Almost three months, I guess.”
“Eleven weeks and five days–”
I did a quick calculation in my head as I disrobed in front of my young man. “Eighty-two days, right?”
“And how many times do you think we’ve fucked?”
I giggled. “I don’t believe we’ve missed a day–ever.”
“Not since you agreed to become the mother of my baby.”
I looked down at the floor, away from his face. I couldn’t believe I actually did that, but there it was. In a little while, I would probably get the call that officially informed me that I was pregnant with a Jake’s child, God help me…really truly pregnant after all these years. All I had to do was forsake the men of my own race and turn to a man of another race.
I turned back to my young man and saw that he’d slowly exposed every square inch of his dark skin to me from his trim figure to his nicely developed muscles, from his well-shaped ass to the hypnotic stature of his semi-erect penis. For eighty plus days I’d enjoyed the irrational delight of riding the full length and breadth of Jake’s masculine extension and today the difference that he’d made in my life would be confirmed.
Jake kissed me right on the breast and his tongue glided across my areola.
“No,” I whispered, as his head and body dropped down toward my abdomen. “I want to hold you close. Come up here and be with me…inside me.”
Jake clambered slowly back up resting his weight cautiously over my abdomen, thighs, and hips. “Do you think you’re ready for me, Cricket?”
I grinned. “Oh yes. More than ready…”
The prickly hairs of his chest and thighs rubbed itchy patterns across my bare skin as Jake shimmied quickly into position fitting his thick erection up against the now slick entrance to my open pussy. I swooned. “Ohhh…yesss. Keep going.”
As if my young black man needed another reason to push his cock forward into the welcome moistness of my body. One inch of penetration soon became two, then three and four. Five and then six, and finally with a long deliberate slide, I knew that my lover had slipped the entire bulky length and thickness of his cock into my receptive loins. Soon we’d established the primordial rhythm that woman and man used to urge the regeneration of our species.
When the last shaking wave had passed away we fell apart.
Now was the time of doubt”s return, the moment of apprehension. I, who had set out to teach him, had experienced the act of love with an intensity I had never before known. The question was, would it continue?
Stephen had unleashed in me a passion I had never realised I had. He had, to use my previous metaphor, not only awakened the sleeping giant, but set him rampaging through me. How could I go on now without the deep satisfaction Stephen had given me?
My apprehension was unnecessary. Stephen had put his arms round me so as to hold my breasts in his hands. “Linda, it”s not just today is it? There will be more, won”t there? I love you and want you, but not just for today.”
I felt peace descend upon me. His question had answered mine. I spoke reassuringly to him; “No my dearest love, it is for as long as you want it to be.”
He murmured, “Thank you, Linda, my love.
We slept in post coital relaxation.
I awoke with a start. Stephen slumbered on and I looked over at the bedside clock. Within half an hour Jeff would probably be home. I shook Stephen awake and he came to with a groan.
“Darling, you”ve got to go, my husband will be home soon.”
That brought him fully awake quickly and there was a scramble to get him into his clothes.
He collected the Dalmatian who had continued her sleep, and at the front door he asked, “Shall I see you tomorrow, Linda?”
“No darling, I have to work tomorrow, but the next day I”ll meet you on the path about eight.”
I think we both found it equally hard not to see each other next day, but perhaps we both needed time to digest what had happened between us.
When Stephen had gone I a rushed around preparing the evening meal which was late, and Jeff asked why. I muttered something about having an afternoon nap and oversleeping, which was in part true, and Jeff responded, “Humph.”
Christmas came and went and in the days that followed Stephen and I came together as often as we could. We were totally besotted with each other and the intervals of not being together became increasingly painful. Another nagging concern was now making itself felt; soon Stephen would be starting his course at the college. This would probably mean less time to be together.
I had continued to occasionally attend the services at the church Ken and Delia had taken me to. It was here that I got an inspiration for overcoming the problem of being with Stephen.
One morning the minister made an appeal to the congregation for anyone with a spare room to take as a boarder students coming in from the country for tertiary education. “Why not?” I thought. Stephen came from a country town, his grandparents didn”t really have room for him and our house seemed full of unused rooms.
I put the matter to Jeff not so much as a question but as a statement. “They”re asking at the church for people to take in students from the country, I”ll be taking one in.”
I did not mention the gender of the student and I saw a light in Jeff”s eyes. “He”s thinking of some nice nubile girl he might be able to seduce,” I thought gleefully. “Won”t he get a surprise?”
Jeff played it carefully and said, “Well, so long as she (aha) doesn”t get in my way.”
That seemed to settle it and at the earliest opportunity I went to see Ken and Delia and put the matter to them.
Their response was interesting; Delia said, “I think that might be a good idea.” Ken winked at me and said, “I”m sure it will work out well for both of you.”
Stephen was not present so they said they would tell him as soon as he came in, and he would contact me.
It didn”t take long. Stephen must have telephoned me as soon as they told him about my suggestion. As his grandparents were nearby he had to be cautious, but I could detect the excitement in his voice. We arranged for him to move in two days later.
He came in the morning and we laid out his stuff in the room he was to occupy (some of the time). It was a spacious room and I had set it up to serve as a study and a bedroom. I had put a double bed in the room, and after lunch we tested it out for carnal gratification. It worked well, but I expected we would do most of our love making in my room.
To my amusement Jeff reacted just as I had expected. I saw the disappointment written all over his face at the sight of the very male Stephen. He shook hands with Stephen and muttered gruffly something about hoping he had settled in all right, then saying, “Got some work to do,” he left us.
It was two weeks before the academic year began and between my working hours, Stephen and I couldn”t leave each other alone. We touched, kissed hugged and coupled all over the house. By the middle of the second week I blush to admit that my vagina was so sore from the many penetrations, I had to ask Stephen to refrain from entering me for a couple of days. He was a bit depressed about this, but I consoled him with oral sex.
I did not wish Jeff to know at that stage what was happening between Stephen and me, but I suspected he would have to know some time, and he did.
It happened about three weeks after Stephen had begun his course at the college. Our couplings were less frequent by then, our initial craving for each other having calmed a little. It was then that I became aware that I was pregnant. It was no surprise to me since neither of us had taken precautions, and I think subconsciously this was what I had intended from the start. As for Stephen, he had several times said, “I wish we could make a baby together.”
I told Stephen and his response was a mixture of delight and concern for me. I reassured him I was a strong girl and was not worried about my ability to carry the child for the full term.
There was also the matter of Jeff. Sooner or later he would have to know, and I decided to make it sooner. I had no doubt that Jeff would want me out of the house, so it was better to make the move in the early stages of my pregnancy than later.
When I did tell him it didn”t register at first. It was often like that with him. I would say something to him and he would grunt, without having heard what I had said.
This time it took nearly half a minute to sink in, and then he did a sudden double-take and howled, “Did you say you”re pregnant?”
“Yes.”
“But you can”t be, we don”t…who”s the father…I want to know…”
He paused in mid verbal flight and I saw realisation dawn.
“My God, you”ve been fucking with that boy. You”ve let him stick a bloody kid in you…you…you…slut.”
“What does that make you, Jeff,” I asked, “An old roué?”
An old quotation came to mind and I spat it out at him; “The most worthless of mankind are not afraid to condemn in others the same disorders they allow themselves; and can readily discover some nice difference of age, character, or station, to justify the partial distinction.”
He stayed silent for a while, and then burst out again, “I”m not having you two in this house fucking behind my back, and I”m certainly not having his bastard in the place.”
“Good,” I said, “I shan”t be sorry get out of this edifice to your arrogance.”
“You”ll get nothing from me,” he yelled.
“You think not, Jeff. I should think again. I can get something for all the years of cleaning, washing, cooking and putting up with your philandering.”
I turned away, and as I left him he yelled after me, “Not one cent.”
He was wrong. I think he must have consulted with one of the department”s tame solicitors who probably pointed out that I did have a right to what is called, “A payout.”
The offer when it came was better than I expected. In short, it provided Stephen and me with a modest dwelling, with some money left over. Another reason for the rapid collapse in Jeff”s resistance became clear within two weeks of Stephen and me moving out. One of Jeff”s women moved in.
The revelation having been made to Jeff, there now remained the two significant people in Stephen”s life, Ken and Delia. Stephen wanted to tell them about the situation himself, but I said I wanted to do it. It was after all me who had made the initial move to capture Stephen.
I was amazed at their response.
“We guessed what”s been going on, love,” Delia said. “We can see that there”s a problem with the age difference, but Stephen seems so happy, and he needs love. You”ve given it to him and we accept that.”
Touchingly, Stephen asked me to marry him. I refused, telling him that he had to remain free. He didn”t like this refusal, but I was adamant.
He was wonderfully tender with me during my pregnancy and was present at the birth when out came Sharon.
It was when Sharon was around six months old when the next twist in events occurred. I received a telephone call from the Drugs and Alcohol Rehabilitation Centre. They had had a real struggle to find me, but I suspect they got to me through Jeff. Lisa was in their care and was asking to see me.
Gig been arrested on a robbery with grievous bodily harm charge. He had been put in jail. Lisa narrowly avoid being arrested herself, but had gone on from one man to the next, and among other things, she had had an abortion.
She had been eventually picked up in a hopeless state wandering the streets. To service her habit she had worked as a prostitute, but had finally been unable to perform even the necessary function of opening her legs to whoever was willing to pay.
I went to see her and barely recognised her. She was gaunt in appearance, pasty faced, and with facial and body sores in the process of healing. She had developed what I can only describe as a “crafty look”, part defensive, part wheedling.
She flung her arms round me and in a voice that seemed to have difficulty forming speech said, “Oh mummy, I”ve missed you so much. Are you going to take me home, mummy?”
She knew nothing of what had happened in my life and I had no intention of telling her at that stage. I pointed out that I couldn”t take her home because her treatment wasn”t finished. She baulked at this and for a moment seemed about to be her old abusive self, then changed her mind and said, “You will take me home when it is finished, won”t you?”
I have to admit that the thought of Lisa entering my now harmonious existence did not appeal. I had to force myself to try and feel a mother”s concern for her and said, “We”ll see what the doctor”s have to say.”
I had been asked on arrival to see a Dr.Marks before I left, so I duly presented myself to him. He was a very “no nonsense” type, which I suppose was just as well in that sort of work.
He laid the situation before me quite bluntly.
“As well as her drug habit, Mrs. Prince, Lisa has a venereal disease. We”re trying to cure her of both. The venereal problem we are confident can be cleared up, the drug habit is another matter. Lisa has taken a whole array of drugs over time, in fact anything she could get her hands on. We are still trying to assess the damage that has occurred.”
“What we need to know is, are you willing to take her back once we”ve done all we can here? From here she can go to a halfway house, beyond that, well, if you won”t take her it”s hard to see what can be done.”
“Before you decide I must warn you that Lisa could quite easily revert to her drug habit, and the activities that might give her the money to feed her habit. In other words, it won”t be easy having her around the place.”
“You don”t have to decide right now, Mrs.Prince. Lisa will be here for some time yet, and then there”s the period in the halfway house. Talk it over with your husband.”
“I can just imagine what Jeff would say,” I thought, but knew I would have to talk with Stephen about the situation.
Stephen took the news with considerable composure considering he had no reason to expect this sort of invasion into our lives.
“She will have to live somewhere, and she is your daughter,” he said. “But how do you think she”ll take our relationship? And what about when she finds out she”s got a half-sister?”
“I shall be visiting her again,” I replied, “I think I may as well tell her then. The sooner the better, don”t you think?”
“Yes, and if you think it”ll be okay, what about if I come with you on the visit after that; as you say, “the sooner the better”.”
My next visit to Lisa was a week later. She was showing signs of improvement; her sores had almost cleared up and she even looked as if she had put on some weight.
I first told her that she could come home when her treatment was finished and she had been cleared by the halfway house. She poured out somewhat exaggerated thanks for this information.
I went on to tell her that I had left her father, was living in a different and smaller house, and I had a live in partner. Lisa wanted some details so I gave them to her frankly, including the age difference between Stephen and I. This seemed to activate some of Lisa”s old rude manner.
“Oh, mother”s got her self a toy boy, has she?” She said this in a sort of sing song way, and I clamped down quickly on this.
“No Lisa, I have not got myself a toy boy, I have a lover and we have already had one child and if I dared risk it at my age I”d have another with him. You see, we happen to love each other.”
Her face registered a sneer but she said nothing, so I asked, “Stephen would like to come and see you on my next visit, will that be all right?”
“Suppose so,” she replied sulkily, “I might as well meet my…what is he, my stepfather? Fancy having a stepfather the same age as myself, it sounds positively gruesome.”
We left it at that and it was on the next visit that the shape of things to come emerged, but I did not perceive it at the time.
Stephen and I went together, taking Sharon with us. The effect on Lisa of seeing Stephen was written all over her face. When we were alone for a while she expressed her feelings about him.
“Why didn”t you tell me he”s such a sexy hunk? I thought he”d be some pathetic wimp looking for a mummy, but I could go for him myself. Better watch out, I might steal him from you.”
I told her not to be so silly, but could not help noticing a little twinge of anxiety stab through me. I knew full well the great danger to my relationship with Stephen would be a younger woman.
During the course of the visit when all of us were present Lisa maintained a sort of teasing, even flirtatious, manner with Stephen. Sharon was due for her feed during the visit, so I opened the front of my dress and began to breast feed her.
Stephen had been fascinated by this activity and told me how beautiful he found it, but Lisa made her feelings clear when she exclaimed, “Yuk!”
The elements for the future were written clear; I just didn”t complete the reading of them properly.
I picked Lisa up from the halfway hostel and brought her home some weeks later. Her first response was to complain about the size of the house and the smallness of her room. I ignored this but felt it was not a good start to what might have been the re-establishment of our relationship.
From the start her manner towards Stephen was coquettish, touching him and mockingly referring to him as “stepfather”.
Stephen told her to stop that and call him Stephen, which she did.
The treatment she had undergone seemed to have worked well. I had been informed that the venereal problem had cleared up, but there might be permanent damage that would prevent her conceiving. I had the feeling that this would not bother Lisa.
She was in fact looking quite attractive but freed from the restraints of the past weeks, her old personality seemed to be reasserting itself, but in the milder form of mockery. In addition, the derisive threat that she might take Stephen from me began to emerge as a reality.
Lisa always seemed to be where Stephen was when he was at home. There was always the coquettish manner and the sly sexual innuendoes. The only place she did not seem to accompany him to was our bed.
Lisa had left school, or more accurately, dropped out, when she was sixteen. Not that it made much difference as she had played truant constantly for at least year before that. Thus she had little to offer educationally speaking, and had never as far as I knew worked; thus she had nothing to commend her to a potential employer.
This became a problem because it meant that she had nothing to do all day except hang around being bored and making a nuisance of her self. I tried to get her to help around the house, but she simply turned up her lip in a sneer and reiterated, “Boring, boring.” Her attitude to Sharon was derisive, frequently referring to her as “Mummy”s little brat.”
The next step was for Stephen and I to find money missing. We had not been accustomed to hiding cash away, and I must admit we had got careless in that respect. Stephen might ask, “I left ten dollars here, have you seen it?” Of course, I hadn”t. We both knew where it had gone, but said nothing.
When we took to securing our cash we noticed items from around the house disappeared, including the Celtic Cross Stephen had made me. I confronted Lisa about it, and received a blank stare followed by an abusive denial.
Her sexual advances to Stephen became more blatant. As I have said, it was the coming of a younger woman that I dreaded most in our relationship. That it should be my own daughter was almost more than I could bear.
Despite my insecurity in this matter, I said and did nothing as I saw her advances getting ever more lascivious. I felt that to intervene would be to humiliate myself, and as water must find its own level, so Stephen had to find his in relation to younger women and myself, and do so without restraint from me.
The critical moment came one night in bed when Stephen said to me, “Darling, I think we have to do something about Lisa. We”ve put up with the stealing because we can”t finally prove she did it, but something happened while you were out today. She offered herself to me for sex for a hundred dollars, and when I said “no”, she actually started to bargain, offering herself for seventy five then fifty dollars. It seems obvious to me she”s back on drugs and getting desperate for money. How is it going to be for Sharon growing up with that?”
My insecurities finally getting the better of me I asked, “Would you have taken her for no fee, Stephen?”
“You know bloody well I wouldn”t, Linda, I value what I”ve got with you too dearly.”
I obviously didn”t “know bloody well”, but a tremendous wave of relief came over me. What to do about Lisa was another matter that, like the first time, it resolved itself in tragic manner.
I confronted her about drugs and at first she denied it, but when I pressed her further the old Lisa came out in full flood. “Mind yer own fucking business,” etc. etc.
Within two days she was gone. Attempts to trace her through the police and Salvation Army came to nothing. Perhaps one day I shall receive another call from the Drugs and Alcohol people, or perhaps Lisa will disappear into that dark sub-world of wrecked lives.
For a while I engaged in “what might have been,” wondering how many other parents had seen the wreck of a child”s life. Stephen comforted me in his sage young way, but I suppose what I cannot but help see as my failing of Lisa will be always with me.
But as people are accustomed to say, “Life goes on.”
My own life goes on with my baby and Stephen. Looked at from the outside I suppose people see a woman with a young lover, from within I am ambivalent.
Was Stephen a boy who was seeking a mother substitute, and I happened along? Was I a woman who desired a son and Stephen happened along? Was it the craving for love we both experienced or the hunger for sexual fulfilment? Was it all of these?
I still have the dread that one day another, younger woman, will take Stephen from me. He shows no signs of straying yet and he is as sexually ardent with me as he ever was. I love him dearly, and the resolve that I made in the first flush of our sexual relationship is still with me. Come what may, I will be his lover, mother, friend or whatever he wants me to be to him.